This Confused Girl

How could one night make all the difference in the world? How could I fall asleep in my old life and wake up in my new one...my new nightmare?  Eight months later and I'm still asking, "How is this my life?!?!"  My husband passes away one summer night and I'm left to raise our boys on my own?  Just like that?  Again....HOW!?!  I still ask this simple question many times each day.  I'm still confused, and overwhelmed and exhausted and heartbroken.  Yet, I put on my mask each morning and trudge through the day.  I feel like a liar.  I say I'm fine and that my weekend was good.  Why not?  That's what I used to say in my old life!  But now, I am SO not fine, and my weekends are SO very painful.  But that's not what people want to hear.  I don't blame them.  My pain is almost too much for me to handle.  Why would anyone else want to see it?

I never in my worst nightmare imagined this would be your story....our story.    But reality tells me, this is it. This is the part of the story where you leave and I figure out how to live without you. Your death informs everything, touches everyone, and will always be the catastrophic event that forever changed it all. I am still resisting inside, still screaming my internal “NO!” over and over again, unable to fully grasp and process what really happened. I still wonder if I could have done something to save you...us...your story...our story. Grief has me wishing for impossible things. My mind has always been fairly rational, yet the longing for my old life is so strong, it’s hard to accept what is. Instead I imagine you taking care of the storage unit that needs attention or changing the oil in my car. I imagine you doing school science projects, taking the boys out riding, and putting them to bed after I’ve had a long day.    I imagine you apologizing f...