This Confused Girl

Today is the day I try to convince my heart what my mind already knows. This is it.  This even solidifies that the past year, has in fact, been a living nightmare and that this is it.  It sucks. I miss Matt so damn much. Ache Longing Desperate longing Foolish longing Gut wrenching ache I just need to tell him one more thing.  I need to share this memory that only he and I had.  I need to show him what I found while I was packing.  He won't believe what hilarious things the boys have said, if I could just tell him.  I just need to tell him this one thing. Sinking Darkness Pain, exhausting pain Pain I choose not to show Debilitating pain that must be concealed So dark Still sinking Remember when we would ride around town blasting Metallica in your old yellow truck?  Remember when Ethan dumped the gallon of white paint on himself?  Remember when we shared a cab with Martin?  Remember when we'd walk down to the Mom-n-Pops so often they knew what we wanted?  Rem

I'm finding hope through the heartache. I'm finding joy through the sadness. My strength pushes me forward despite knee buckling weakness. I'm finding love through the flame of raging anger. I'm brave, even though I'm scared. It may not look pretty, but forward I march.

Life is circular...swirling amongst the most beautiful backdrop of colors.  Despite it all, the sun rises, water flows, and plants bloom.  And there I stand, in the midst of all that is glorious - twisted, scarred, weathered by everything life has dealt - but still standing.  Rooted firmly in the earth by family and friends and community who all helped me learn resiliency.  Their support helps me grip the solid footing of earth a little tighter each day.  Because each day, with strength from my roots, I can reach my mangled trunk toward the sky.  As my trunk stretches up and my branches out, I'm able to help my leaves flourish, which feeds nutrients back into me.  From time to time, new leaves grow, keeping me constantly fed.  Sometimes though, leaves fall.  And it doesn't matter how much I loved that particular leaf or how much it fed the goodness back into me, when it's time comes the leaf still falls and again becomes earth.  But the energy that was contained in the leaf

I still feel him.  I close my eyes and I still feel him.  My face in his neck.  My head against his chest.  My fingers following the bottom of his hairline.  My hand moving up his strong arm wrapped around me.  It's safe.  I still feel safe....but only when I close my eyes.

It's hard to 'get over' a loss when it's repeated every single day of the year.  Every day I want to tell you about something that happened.  Call you.  Text you a funny story.  Send you a video.  Share life with you.  You're missing it.  Wonderful things keep happening, but you're missing it.  And so my happiness is tinted by frustration, loneliness, and sorrow.  It's like my brain has been rewired.  Certain feelings aren't supposed to fire at the same time and this creates a jumbled mind.  Widows brain, they say.  Sure is exhausting.  I miss you everyday.  I need you everyday.  I want you everyday.

Happy birthday? Everything is here... the food the cake the family But we're missing you. How do we celebrate a happy birthday without you?

(5 months in...) How are you? Not great. Yea, this weather is really depressing. Yep, the weather. (W.in.T.actual.F?)

How could one night make all the difference in the world? How could I fall asleep in my old life and wake up in my new one...my new nightmare?  Eight months later and I'm still asking, "How is this my life?!?!"  My husband passes away one summer night and I'm left to raise our boys on my own?  Just like that?  Again....HOW!?!  I still ask this simple question many times each day.  I'm still confused, and overwhelmed and exhausted and heartbroken.  Yet, I put on my mask each morning and trudge through the day.  I feel like a liar.  I say I'm fine and that my weekend was good.  Why not?  That's what I used to say in my old life!  But now, I am SO not fine, and my weekends are SO very painful.  But that's not what people want to hear.  I don't blame them.  My pain is almost too much for me to handle.  Why would anyone else want to see it?

I never in my worst nightmare imagined this would be your story....our story.    But reality tells me, this is it. This is the part of the story where you leave and I figure out how to live without you. Your death informs everything, touches everyone, and will always be the catastrophic event that forever changed it all. I am still resisting inside, still screaming my internal “NO!” over and over again, unable to fully grasp and process what really happened. I still wonder if I could have done something to save you...us...your story...our story. Grief has me wishing for impossible things. My mind has always been fairly rational, yet the longing for my old life is so strong, it’s hard to accept what is. Instead I imagine you taking care of the storage unit that needs attention or changing the oil in my car. I imagine you doing school science projects, taking the boys out riding, and putting them to bed after I’ve had a long day.    I imagine you apologizing for all of this and