This

I never in my worst nightmare imagined this would be your story....our story.  But reality tells me, this is it. This is the part of the story where you leave and I figure out how to live without you.

Your death informs everything, touches everyone, and will always be the catastrophic event that forever changed it all. I am still resisting inside, still screaming my internal “NO!” over and over again, unable to fully grasp and process what really happened. I still wonder if I could have done something to save you...us...your story...our story.

Grief has me wishing for impossible things. My mind has always been fairly rational, yet the longing for my old life is so strong, it’s hard to accept what is. Instead I imagine you taking care of the storage unit that needs attention or changing the oil in my car. I imagine you doing school science projects, taking the boys out riding, and putting them to bed after I’ve had a long day.  I imagine you apologizing for all of this and making me laugh while I try to stay mad. I wish I could apologize for making a big deal out of the small stuff. I wish you could have gotten the help you needed sooner. I wish I knew how soon you needed help. I wish...for things that will never be.

I still don’t actually know how to live each day without you. Nothing prepared me for this existence. I still cannot see how the future will come without you. Falling asleep alone is agonizing. I wake up and it hits me in the face, everyday, when it wasn’t all a bad dream. You are really gone. I want to show you things, and tell you things and laugh with you, but you aren’t here anymore. How? Why?  This trauma that has become my life, I can’t put into words. It. Feels. Worse. Every. Day. 

The kids say and do the most crazy, sweet, infuriating, and lovable things. I want you to hear them. I want you to see them. I want to parent with you. All the decisions yet to come, I want to make with you. But I’m on my own, because you’re gone. Can it possibly be that you really won’t come home again? I have nothing left but the memory of your face, your touch, your smile. How do I do this myself?

Sometimes this feels unbearable. It feels like I can’t possibly live through this awfulness that is grief. It feels like my heart is actually broken. And yet, I know that after I lay down to sleep tonight, wishing you were next to me, I will wake up in the morning to endure it all again. 

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