One Year

Today is the day I try to convince my heart what my mind already knows.
This is it.  This even solidifies that the past year, has in fact, been a living nightmare and that this is it.  It sucks.

I miss Matt so damn much.

Ache
Longing
Desperate longing
Foolish longing
Gut wrenching ache

I just need to tell him one more thing.  I need to share this memory that only he and I had.  I need to show him what I found while I was packing.  He won't believe what hilarious things the boys have said, if I could just tell him.  I just need to tell him this one thing.

Sinking
Darkness
Pain, exhausting pain
Pain I choose not to show
Debilitating pain that must be concealed
So dark
Still sinking

Remember when we would ride around town blasting Metallica in your old yellow truck?  Remember when Ethan dumped the gallon of white paint on himself?  Remember when we shared a cab with Martin?  Remember when we'd walk down to the Mom-n-Pops so often they knew what we wanted?  Remember when Zoe used to get annoyed with Ryan as a baby?  Remember when you purposed?  Remember when we found out I was pregnant?  Remember our long walks on the coastal trail?  I want to remember with you.

Confused
Overwhelmed
Frustrated
Limping
Limping forward
Limping forward with a smile
Still frustrated
Still overwhelmed
Still confused

Somehow we all keep moving forward.  We love just as hard as we did before our lives were flipped upside down.  We are doing life, but everything is different.  Nothing will ever be the same, as there will forever be a before and after.  I liked my before better.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Liar

How could one night make all the difference in the world? How could I fall asleep in my old life and wake up in my new one...my new nightmare?  Eight months later and I'm still asking, "How is this my life?!?!"  My husband passes away one summer night and I'm left to raise our boys on my own?  Just like that?  Again....HOW!?!  I still ask this simple question many times each day.  I'm still confused, and overwhelmed and exhausted and heartbroken.  Yet, I put on my mask each morning and trudge through the day.  I feel like a liar.  I say I'm fine and that my weekend was good.  Why not?  That's what I used to say in my old life!  But now, I am SO not fine, and my weekends are SO very painful.  But that's not what people want to hear.  I don't blame them.  My pain is almost too much for me to handle.  Why would anyone else want to see it?
Read more

Life's Circle

Life is circular...swirling amongst the most beautiful backdrop of colors.  Despite it all, the sun rises, water flows, and plants bloom.  And there I stand, in the midst of all that is glorious - twisted, scarred, weathered by everything life has dealt - but still standing.  Rooted firmly in the earth by family and friends and community who all helped me learn resiliency.  Their support helps me grip the solid footing of earth a little tighter each day.  Because each day, with strength from my roots, I can reach my mangled trunk toward the sky.  As my trunk stretches up and my branches out, I'm able to help my leaves flourish, which feeds nutrients back into me.  From time to time, new leaves grow, keeping me constantly fed.  Sometimes though, leaves fall.  And it doesn't matter how much I loved that particular leaf or how much it fed the goodness back into me, when it's time comes the leaf still falls and again becomes earth.  But the energy that was contained in the leaf
Read more

Every Single Day

It's hard to 'get over' a loss when it's repeated every single day of the year.  Every day I want to tell you about something that happened.  Call you.  Text you a funny story.  Send you a video.  Share life with you.  You're missing it.  Wonderful things keep happening, but you're missing it.  And so my happiness is tinted by frustration, loneliness, and sorrow.  It's like my brain has been rewired.  Certain feelings aren't supposed to fire at the same time and this creates a jumbled mind.  Widows brain, they say.  Sure is exhausting.  I miss you everyday.  I need you everyday.  I want you everyday.
Read more